Vacation guide: Your next stop, TV Land!

‘Breaking Bad’

‘Portlandia’

‘Parks and Recreation’

Albuquerque

Portland

Pawnee, Ind.

New Mexico. Land of Enchantment. Well … yes and no. Sure, you could take in the painted deserts, scarf down some blue-corn enchiladas and sample Santa Fe’s gallery scene — if you want to be like every other run-of-the-mill tourist. Or you could take a detour off the beaten path and wind your way around the charming chain-link fences, inviting back alleys and commercial laundry businesses of the Q as seen in “Breaking Bad.”

It’s true what they say: Portland works overtime to keep the dream of the ‘90s (the 1890s) alive. So grow out those mutton chops, strap on some suspenders and get ready to sleep till 11 and support a host of Oregonian artisans. And don’t be surprised if you come home sporting a new tattoo (a bird, preferably) and a suitcase full of cured meat.

You may think a small Midwestern town sporting no fewer than 19 toxic-waste depositories would be an odd place for a vacation. And … you may have a point. But we think it’d be a mistake to disregard a place that’s “first in friendship, fourth in obesity,” even if its primary claim to fame, miniature horse Li’l Sebastian, has headed to the Last Roundup.

Crossroads Motel ($): Those not dead set on newfangled thrills and absolute peace and quiet will appreciate the unpretentious ambience of this Minimalist motor inn, conveniently located off I-25. Though the amenities may be spare, the motel’s colorful clientele offers entertainment that extends well into the early-morning hours. Added bonus: Frequent law-enforcement surveillance adds to overall levels of comfort and safety. (Mention Hank at the front desk for 10% rate discount.)

How much autonomy did that free-range chicken you’re about to eat really have before his spirit soared to that Great Open-Air Run in the sky? Put down your fork and take a trip to Aliki Farms where you can observe happy hens and roosters truly at the top of the pecking order. That one over there? His name is Micah. Should we get out the ax?

At just 0.000003 square miles in size, the Smallest Park in Indiana may not offer much in the way of playground equipment or, well, space, but it’s the smallest park in Indiana! No more than three people at a time, please.

Candy manufacturer Sweetums offers tours on Saturdays, providing visitors a peek behind the curtain at how its famous corn syrup is made. Bonus: Guests receive one candy fingernail (pinkie finger) with the purchase of any NutriYum bar at the gift shop.

Los Pollos Hermanos ($): The venerable Albuquerque fast-food institution’s locations may not look like much, but once inside you’ll be greeted by the aroma of succulent chicken, slow-cooked to perfection. Chain owner Gus Fring is often on hand to deliver polite, efficient service, though for some reason we haven’t seen him much lately.

Fisherman’s Porch ($$$): Arrive early (i.e., before sunrise), and don’t even think about cutting in line for a chance to sample the marionberry pancakes at Portland’s hottest Sunday brunch spot. (At least it was 15 minutes ago.)

JJ’s Diner ($): Try the waffles or, if you’re not watching your cholesterol, the locally famous Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.

Jesse Pinkman’s house ($) Due to the owner/host’s unstable work schedule and disposition, hours and availability vary greatly. But when the house is open — yo! yo! — anticipate experiencing the party of your life, a 24/7 rager with wall-to wall-people, an endless supply of pizza and alcohol (and various other mood-enhancers, if you’re so inclined) and the most violent video games available on planet Earth. Those open to chaos will find plenty to enjoy here. Just watch out for the old dude wearing the porkpie hat. He’s a real buzz kill.

Mint ($$): You never know (and really, you’re better off not knowing) what the expert mixologists are cooking up at this popular nightspot. Whether you like your ginger-based bourbon drinks infused with egg whites or egg yellows, take comfort knowing that the final ingredient — a little bit of love — will be added to every order.

OK, technically it’s in nearby Eagleton (isn’t everything?), but Cozy’s Bar is well worth the drive, particularly on the second Tuesday of each month when saxophonist Duke Silver plays his smooth, sweet jazz for mature audiences. (OK … mature women; men might be better served by staying in Pawnee and having a Sweetums fizz at the Snakehole Lounge.)

Should any extracurricular activities with newfound friends at the Crossroads land you outside the law, you could do worse than visit the offices of Saul Goodman & Associates. (Look for the strip mall with the large, inflatable Statue of Liberty perched on the roof.) If the office’s decorative images of the U.S. Constitution don’t put you immediately at ease, rest assured that Mr. Goodman knows a guy who knows a guy who knows another guy who can help with any situation.

If you’re visiting in July, be sure to catch the annual Allergy Pride Parade, a festive (within the bounds of common sense, of course!) event in which the afflicted of all stripes gather for a leisurely stroll (no need to get too worked up!) through Portland’s downtown district. And if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, feel free to join your appropriate group. (The Soy Punks always welcome out-of-towners!)

If possible, make the effort to visit during Pawnee’s annual (unless interest wanes and it’s cancelled again) fall Harvest Festival. Spend the day wandering the Corn Maze. (A little help. Anyone?) Save your appetite for a trip down Deep Fried Boulevard. (Dough, meat or cheese? Why choose? Have them all!) Thrill to the Sweetums Plus-Sized Rollercoaster, preferably before devouring that order of deep-fried shellfish, though do take comfort in knowing that no matter how much you eat while strolling Deep Fried Boulevard, the coaster’s ample seats will have room to accommodate you and your newly expanded waistline.